Kristian's Adventures in the Republic

My preparation for my trip to South Africa began long before I actually departed from the States. In fact, today is my last day in the States and I feel that already I’m being acclimated to the country through a series of interesting experiences, which I’m delighted to be able to share with you all. Today’s adventure? Well, today I met the federal government :)
I should preface this story by sharing an email that my host in South Africa sent me. The email goes “Is the Republic of South Africa prepared for a 9/11-attack? Absolutely! And here are the top 5 reasons why …”
1. At 8.45 we’re all still caught in traffic jams, due to power cuts, so the offices are still empty.
2. Our police and other emergency services won’t show up when called, so there will be no casualties amongst them.
3. SAA (South African Airways) will thwart the attack because no flight is ever on time.
4. The terrorists’ weapon of choice will be stolen before he can set foot on an aircraft.
5. No terrorist will survive a year in South Africa, let alone be able to train.

This email was followed up by a couple more, each comically expressing similar feelings about the inefficiency and corruption that prove debilitating for the government. One such source of comic relief is the popular South Africa comic strip, Madam & Eve: http://www.madamandeve.co.za/ I share these interesting little cultural tidbits because I think it's particularly interesting to note that perhaps no government is immune from complaints of inefficiency and corruption. Just as Americans are prone to describing their dealings with the federal government in terms of extremities they’d rather have severed … so too are South Africans. Now, Michael Moore, in his new film Sicko, about the American health care system, notes that Republicans in particular are prone to criticizing the incompetence of the federal government, a self-fulfilling prophecy which they proceed to prove immediately upon being elected. (smile)
Bearing these things in mind, I set out to meet Mr. Federal Government himself.
My first encounter came about when I needed to confirm that the host with whom I was going to be staying was, in fact, a lawyer in South Africa. Dad was getting anxious about the trip, so I indulged him, thinking that this information would be as easy to solicit as, say, calling the Alabama bar association and giving them a last name. Well … 3 hours and $7 in Skype credit later … here is what I have learned.
The Pretoria Bar Association couldn’t help me. When we were unfortunately disconnected, I called back to clarify, and they hung up on me ... twice. “Hmm … that’s odd,” I thought. I next called the National Prosecutor’s Association (NPA), which had no record of my host. They suggested that I contact the local prosecutor’s office in Pretoria, which keeps records of local members. They gave me a number. Well, the number they gave actually routed me to the Justice Dept. because the switchboard is on the blitz and won’t be fixed until Monday. I called back to the NPA and they gave me a new number. Now here is where Mr. Federal Government got annoyed with me and attempted to loose me through a series of quick sharp left turns in dark, narrow back alleys.
So I dial the new number. First I hear a ring, and then silence. Silence for about 1.5 minutes. And so I start thinking to myself, "Am I still connected? Am I being charged for this? Has someone answered and put me on hold? What if they’re talking and I just can’t hear them? Is this stupid microphone working? I should have bought the microphone/speaker headset instead of this cheap Walmart thing." Perhaps more dainty dialers would have given up at this point and tried back later, but I was tough. I waited, and I successfully completed mind game #1. Then came mind game #2. Mr. Federal Government had not lost me with silence, so he proceeded to annoy the hell out of me with noise, a tactic popularly known in the States as Muzak, or elevator music. Now, in the States, this tends to take the form of popular hits from the 80s --> Janet Jackson, Prince, Posion, KC & his Sunshine Band. But in South Africa, the game is much more intense, and the stakes much higher. So the Muzak of Mr. FG’s choice was exactly what one might hear while riding a merry-go-round.
I wasn’t prepared for such intense irony! It was as if a black hole has been ripped in the Universe. There I was, thinking that I was being led 'round and 'round the merry go bush, 'round a circle of government employees and department, connecting and forwarding my calls, and the music they play while all this is happening is that of a merry-go-round?!? The best way I know to describe it is this – an upbeat organ playing staccato notes as donkeys, giraffes, and ostriches bob up and down. Off! Let me off! Off!
To be honest, I can’t recall what happened after that. All I remember is speaking to someone who explained that the number I was trying to reach wasn’t working because the switchboard operators … or was it the personnel … were on strike. (refer to the Madam and Eve cartoon of the day above) Strike?! While I never spoke to the person who could help me, I later found out that my host is not yet a licensed prosecutor, but still studying to become one, so had I been put in touch with the right people, they still could not have helped. All this fun, and I haven't even arrived yet! :) That may sound sarcastic, but I really do enjoy such experiences because they give me practical, daily opportunities to note similarities and difference in the South African expereince as compared to that of the U.S. I am excited about tomorrow and eager to share more of my fascinating adventures with you :)
Meanwhile, thanks to Scott Hayes and Richard Jenkins for helping me navigate my way through international calling rates, renting phones, and using Skype. I’m getting a great deal on calling.